tale and rhymes

In a forest…thick, thick
There was a princess…lost, lost
And when coming back home
She found a heart…sick, sick

Trees so ….high high
Slaughtering the moon
In her map…hurting, heartbreaking
Time, prophet of the doom

Pacing day and night…pacing
To find the way back home
Surrounded by beauties…princesses
Pacing day and night…pacing

That the princess became a queen…bonnie
With no map in her memory
And their clothes torn… suckling her honey

At the forest…thick, thick
There was a queen…lost, lost
Between caressing honeysuckles
And the moon disguised in glasses.

                                    December 24th, , 2001

final countdown (to my classmates and my dear Lola)

Well, this is for you guys, quite an “informal” entry. I wanted to write something simple, without any kind of pressure, if you read it, that’s fine, if not, it’s fine too. At this time of the year I feel like a bottle about to explode. I’m not complete aware yet that this phase is coming to an end. I do not permit myself to cry, even if everything thrills me, I do not allow myself to show emotion. I know that it is wrong, but I know that if I start to cry, not with anguish but with amazement, I won’t stop. I haven’t got to the point of actually realizing that I’m not going to see you anymore, at least not with the frequency I do now. My life is going to give different twists from now on, and that’s fine, that’s OK, that’s how my life is supposed to be. I’m looking forward to it. I’m a person who need to be stimulated in every aspect, and if I that doesn’t happen, I have to make it happen. And by choosing one thing from two or three -because you can’t have it all- the other ones have to be left aside. That’s life, that’s the way it is. I love you guys, you have been my second family all these heavy, tiring, and wonderful years. You’ve helped me in ways you can not imagine, and make me wander about myself in ways you can not imagine. Anyway, the Twilight Zone of the Lola is coming to an end, at least for me. Indirectly, I have fulfilled some of my wishes during these years, like showing what I write, whether you like it or not, like speaking aloud in front of people -and with a mic-, and I have fulfilled the utmost wish of making a fool of myself, and make you laugh because you understand my phobias and “line of thought”…jaja…even teachers have learnt how to deal with my constant questions and inquiries. I’m that noisy because I WANT TO KEEP on learning. Sorry for being so naughty about my endless soliloquy, that’s my way of learning. kisses to all. Goobye, and good night.

oh darling

Oh my darling,
I’m afraid of being with someone
Who will not speak the language I do,
So, here I hide,
I won’t hear the applauses I do not deserve
And the hysterical giggles of the simple.
People of enjoy ordinary things are not longer of my amusement.

Maybe I’ve danced too much
Drank too much
Laughed too much.

And so
I close myself from now on
First my self
Then the entrance door
Then the windows
Then I do my bed
Neatly dressed
And I say good bye without saying a word,
Then,
I will be laid down on the floor
My hands crossed
My leaps sealed

Oh my darling,
I’ve come to that point
Where I shut myself
Then the front door
Then the purple windows
Then I turn off the lights
And all the love fades
And I stay
As made of marble and steel.

violet III

I’ve finally accepted the condition of my self. My inner soliloquy has come to an end where acceptance seems to reign: I’m different. I am not better or worse than anyone. I’m just different. I’ve try to fit in to blend in, without any success. I’ve suffered from this situation of not feeling comfortable anywhere; I’ve used too many masks, getting rid of them and tired of them and I’ve been betrayed by them. Because none of them defines me. And at the same time I need something to do so, and when something does define me, I find myself fighting for breath. It was the eternal fight, where you confuse the enemy with the people that surround you, when in fact, if you look carefully, you will fin that the only enemy is inside you eating you alive. It still does sometimes, and hurts, so when it does, I try to fit in, but it just doesn’t feel right, my walking is painful and uncomfortable, my breathing is heavy, and I feel like collapsing. So, under such circumstances, and after years of struggling against myself, and trying to adapt myself to the “situation”, I have decided to give myself a big hug, and to welcome myself to my own, private and parallel world, where everyone is invited, but only a few will stay.